Wistful Longings

For so long ive looked for the meaning
in my own mumblings
listened to the walls ' unsaid utterances
so many times faked ecstasy
truth , lie ,lie, truth
unsure of the reality
Do I or don't
Iam doubtful of my own feelings
Wish could go back and erase it all
and rewrite my life all over again
Wish could repeat all the first times
could undo the done yet taste
the freshness of the original sin
could think the unadultrated thought
could laugh that sincere laugh
Only if i knew from the start
as you open the package
the newness is lost
I would have never pried
the matters sealed tight
I would have not tried to know
what's behind the close doors
Only that way probably
you can keep the spanking
By not knowing the unknown
by dying in infancy

A Toast to Self!!!!
As I rushed out on the lonely dark road I felt my soul liberated yet I was scared of the freedom or of the wilderness in me that wanted to jump out and become one with the scene. I'm scared the wild beast in me will show in the full moon, which have taken years to tame. I shivered at the possibilities of what I could do to myself and what could be done to me. God I felt so lonely, what is this unquenchable thirst in me, that leaves me so empty and incomplete. I've cried so many times on my worthlessness ......... felt like a torn piece of trash ......Someone's effort been wasted away. I felt like a worthless coward a complete vain, a wastage of time, money and emotions, as I drank the half bottle of phenergan and thought about the possibility of death. I hate myself, even in planning death I lacked devotion-damn ADHD.

Remember If you walk away towards a dark isolated road, and when you look back there is no one to call you back then my friend you are surely alone and completely on your own.